“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
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[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Oh we’ve met.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH