[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
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This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall