Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
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FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes