Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
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I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I don鈥檛 get marriage
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you鈥檝e ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
A saltwater crocodile鈥檚 bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she鈥檚 the fifth one
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can鈥檛 get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
馃憤
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Liquor store clerk: I鈥檓 gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
In banana years, I am bread.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don鈥檛 want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.