It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
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Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”