Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
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I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
When I snag the last meatball.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her