The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
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This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky