there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
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I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Rather alarming headline…
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Nothing.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?