you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
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When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Received some very disappointing news today
“no gods no masters” = leo
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.