GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
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It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!