The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
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If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍