Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Watson was Holmes schooled
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords