I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
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Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today