My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
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Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Where’s my employee discount too?
bro what is going on at twitter
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
some cats are just doing for fun!