Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
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Baller is short for ballerina
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
every college guy’s fridge
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal