I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
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People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
i prefer mine room temperature.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!