me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
You Might Also Like
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.