[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
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12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language