I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
You Might Also Like
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
それは草
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.