I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
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Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Stop sending me this shit.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.