i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
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A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Not even remotely sorry.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or