I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
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Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
you have three unread messages
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement