If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
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My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Mhm.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV