If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
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two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
me, after any kind of buffet.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT