Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
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MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
jesus, what did this guy do
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?