My diet was going really well until I woke up.
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Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand