the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
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So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
was Jim off killing horses or…
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.