Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
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My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
The first one, obviously
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”