*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
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A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
what is cheese if not milk persevering
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
uncle dave has been through hell