My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
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My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
This is amazing.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant