I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
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[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?