The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
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Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Not messing around
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Mummies are just super modest zombies