Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
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“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.