Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
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My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.