goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
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Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
This hospital has everything
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”