Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
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It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
hmmm
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”