Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
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“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.