If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
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One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.