Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
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can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight