[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
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Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.