Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
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Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.