Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
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It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here