There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
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“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.