I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
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I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.