My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
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I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops