i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
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He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Art by Pastelkatto
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead