robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
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The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
That’s fair
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Follow me for more fitness tips.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.