*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
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*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.