I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
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My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials