DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
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[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Why do meteors always land in craters?
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.